Those of us who consider ourselves to be cubicle monkeys, computer jockeys, desk dwellers, or any other type of professional email checkers and web surfers know that life inside of a cubicle can crush the spirit of a man. Fortunately, Cubiclephobia here to act as a guide and sanity safeguard.
Bring Your Daughter to Work Day
“Really? Really lady? You’re just going to stand there and not say anything after your kid just pressed three buttons in the elevator? Unless you’re going to get out of the elevator on three different floors in one trip up, your kid is a piece of shit.”
Those were my thoughts this morning. Today is April 25, 2013. Bring your daughter to work day. And apparently it also goes for sons as well, cause some little twerp pressed three buttons in the elevator on the way up. I work on the 12th floor. I don’t want to stop 9 times on my way up. I’m already 10 minutes late, the only thing saving my ass is that I work for the government and my boss shows up even later than I do, so he won’t know I’m late. Yes, normally I like little kids. I like little kids that behave themselves. But I DON’T like other people’s kids. Especially ones that look like they just chugged 4 red bulls. And don’t even get me started on the little fat kids.
Little kids running around the office looking into my room. Get the fuck away from my door you little shits! I’m trying to think of a funny comment to write on this CNN article and you’re fucking my shit up. Wipe that goddamned booger off your face and tuck your goddamned Spiderman shirt in. Get your shit together. Tell your mother to make you presentable in the morning. A few of them managed to get dirty. Dirty! We’re in a fucking office, on the 12th floor. The floor is carpeted. How the fuck did you manage to get dirt on your face? Did you actively search for a dirty surface and rub your face on it? I’m literally flabbergasted. How can one actually become DIRTY in an office? We have people that come in and vacuum every afternoon. Unless they sneaked outside and rubbed their faces in the flower pots, on the sidewalk, I can’t think of a way a face can become dirty in an office.
Who just lets their kids run around the office like that? How the hell am I supposed to finish my mock NFL draft right now with all these kids all hopped up and running around? If I actually had work to do it wouldn’t be so bad, because then I’d have an excuse to be behind. But I don’t do anything at work. That means they’re interrupting my leisure time. And I don’t like that.
Bottom line is this holiday needs to be banned. The people like myself trying to keep up in the rat race don’t want to be dragged down by stupid little kids walking slow in the hallways and on the sidewalks. Half of these fucking people only bring their kids to work so that they can take the carpool lane and they won’t have to pay a babysitter anyway. Fuck this stupid holiday.