Those of us who consider ourselves to be cubicle monkeys, computer jockeys, desk dwellers, or any other type of professional email checkers and web surfers know that life inside of a cubicle can crush the spirit of a man. Fortunately, Cubiclephobia here to act as a guide and sanity safeguard.
Today there was a sewer gas leak at the office. Smelled fucking putrid. Like somebody wore Sex Panther to the office. Started coming through the vents and people were freaking out. So they evacuated the building. I was the first one from my floor to get outside. I literally do SO LITTLE at work most of the time that any distraction is a huge distraction. Any single excuse I can get to leave my desk and get my blood pumping a little is an excuse I will use.
At first I just thought the smell was in my corner of the floor. But then I found out it was coming out of the vents on all of the floors. I knew then and there that this meant I’d get an extra J.O. sesh and a nap in today. Fire drills are fucking awesome. When you’re in school they’re awesome because you get to leave class. When you’re at work they’re awesome because you get an excuse to stop doing work. And when the problem is legit (not a drill) like the gas leak was for me today, that’s just the absolute tits. Because you get to go home. Had I not been the youngest person in my office I would have suggested hitting up a local bar but I’m pretty sure nobody would have accepted or even laughed at the idea.
Now normally in a FIRE drill you can’t take the elevator. You gotta take the stairs. I work on the 12th floor so this would be problematic for women, particularly the women that I work with, because they literally take the elevator down ONE floor. Twelve floors on the stairs is a civil rights violation. So in cases like these, everybody’s gotta walk single file down the fucking stairs, and of course there’s the one guy that thinks he’s a hero and holds the door open for people and tries to get people to be quiet and follow the instructions, even though he’s a fucking accountant who drives a Yaris. My guy happens to be South Asian of some type but doesn’t have an accent, and is named Hank, of all names. Fuck Hank.
Then you got the token gay guy who always gets worried that it’s an actual fire and bails as soon as the sound goes off. And he doesn’t bail like I bail, to escape work. He bails to escape the non-existent fire. This guy’s an absolute dick gymnast who talks more than you thought any human being could possibly hope to talk.
Of course your boss is out there and tries to talk to you and shit but you just stare at your phone and pretend to be doing something important so that you can ignore him, kinda like you ignore the guys on the subway begging for change by staring at your phone. You do it too. And to be honest he’s a pretty cool guy for a 50-something white guy, and he cracks jokes and shit but they’re not really that funny.
Then there’s the one single hot chick that everyone stands around and tries to get a word in with. This chick is one piece of ace. It’s literally like 7 dudes in their late 20’s or early 30’s standing around outside in the cold, standing around in a circle around this one 25 year old chick that looks like a skinnier Kristina Rose. And they all hang on her every word and surround her like male Emperor Penguins (look that shit up). Seriously I would do filthy things to her but she’s actually pretty nice and is not just hot but kinda cute and not a bitch, so I wouldn’t do stuff that was real rough unless she really wanted it. But I would think about it later after she left. And you could imagine what it would be like if we did, right?
And while everyone is standing around yucking it up I’m already two blocks away on my way to the subway. I don’t give a crap if we get called back in the building because it’s over. I don’t care if I left my lunch out on my desk. The cleaning lady can get that. If there’s a fire drill I leave for the day. Period. It started in high school. Fire drill, leave school at noon, go get baked, go to Dunkin Donuts then go spend the day playing video games. That’s what I’m doing today minus the baked because I get tested, but throw in a nap. In fact, make it a shit, shower, shave, in that order, then a nap. Fuck yes, fire drills. FUCK YES