Those of us who consider ourselves to be cubicle monkeys, computer jockeys, desk dwellers, or any other type of professional email checkers and web surfers know that life inside of a cubicle can crush the spirit of a man. Fortunately, Cubiclephobia here to act as a guide and sanity safeguard.
Public Restoom Etiquette Part II
A few more awkward encounters, notable events, and attempts to discuss restroom use in a polite and politically correct way at the office have inspired me to mention a few things about loaf pinching at work.
1) Someone is using your favorite stall. One of my biggest pet peeves. I mentioned in my first public restroom Cubiclephobia that I shit in the same stall at the same time every day at work. When someone is in that stall before I get there, it fucks my shit up. Literally. I don’t like trying new stalls. In fact, I originally shat in a different stall when I first started working here but I clogged that SOB like three times before I decided that there must be something wrong with the toilet. And when there are other people in the bathroom that can hear flushing, they can tell when a toilet is clogged. I don’t want them to see me walking out of the stall after I clogged that sucker and I don’t want to have to be the guy to report a clogged toilet. So I did what anyone else would do: pretend it never happened and start using a different toilet.
But seriously, I took a poop today and some dude was in my normal stall, so I had to use the handicap stall like some asshole. Normally I’d use a different one, but the other two are too close to the door and mirrors and the last remaining stall is the one that clogs.
2) You sit on a recently used toilet. The seat is still warm from it’s last passenger. Gross out city. I just try to ignore it if there are other people in the restroom because getting out of one stall and going into another is just fucking weird. Honestly, if you’re at the sink washing your hands or fixing your hair or something and you see a dude in the mirror switch stalls, you’re thinking “what the fuck?”
3) Dude walks in on you shitting. This one happened to me today and inspired this post, but it isn’t the first time I’ve been walked in on at work. Yes, I forgot to lock the stall door. Dude walked in on me in the handicap stall, which of course makes me look like a complete asshole because I’m a perfectly healthy 23-year-old dude. I imagine that being walked in on as a chick is less awkward, because they always use stalls and they always sit. So you can assume that she’s peeing. Gotta give the benefit of the doubt. But then again, chicks are insecure, so, yeah, they probably have mini heart attacks. I’m a former pothead (several years clean) and a young guy so I get over stuff like that pretty quick. Public restroom stalls for men are generally reserved for shits only. Nobody with testicles sits down on a stall toilet to pee in a public restroom. That’s only acceptable in your own bathroom late at night when you’re drowsy or drunk.
3.5) You are on the phone at the time. Of course, when the dude walked in on me today, I was playing solitaire on my phone. At first, I was kinda bothered by the idea that he caught me shitting and playing on my phone. But then I remembered that everybody does that now. I mean come on, what are we, cavemen? Shitting with newspapers or magazines is so 20th century. Motherfuckers read the news and Facebook on the john now all the time.
3.75) You are in the process of wiping. Wiping your ass is one of the most awkward things you can do. I mean, think about the positions you put yourself in. Some people remain sitting, especially at home toilets. This is what I do. I lean to the left, which parts the cheeks, and wipe with the right hand. Some people sort of half stand up and spread their cheeks.
This happened to me the first time I got walked in on. I was wiping at the time, and it was a particularly messy one, so I was doing the half stand up thing. And men who wear office clothes to work will remind you that their shirts are of course longer than normal casual shirts since they need to be tucked into the pants, which provides a major obstacle for wiping. Those shirts dangle down to the butt, sometimes below. Sometimes the only thing to do when you’re wearing a long shirt is to hold the front of it up by tucking it under your chin and sort of tilting your head down to hold it there. That way it won’t dangle as low and rub your butt or junk.
So you can imagine how bad it looked when the dude walked in on me. I was doing like a half crouch, cheeks spread, shirt tucked under the chin like an absolute goofball. Just an absolutely awkward fucking position to be in. I don’t know if it was more awkward for me or for the guy that walked in when we made eye contact, my shirt still under my chin. It also ended up being a two flusher, and whenever you hear two flushes from the same stall, you know that it’s one of those shits that requires like thirty wipes and a few upper buttcrack wipes just to be sure. But I felt better when his phone rang a few minutes later and he answered it and talked to the person as if he wasn’t even on the shitter. Don’t get me wrong, I do that too, but not in public restrooms. Made me feel better about myself.
3.875) You are naked. I do this at home sometimes. When it’s a big 10 minute shit that I committed to, and I’m just gonna be on my phone or tablet the whole time, sometimes I’ll just poop naked. We all do it on occasion. Somehow it feels safer. I don’t do this at work because it’s too much of a hassle with the belt and all that nonsense. But I wouldn’t doubt that there are people out there that do it. Being walked in on while naked has to SUCK. You look like a total sex offender.
4) Guy doesn’t wash his hands. Look, nowadays, guys don’t need to wash our hands every time. Most modern public restrooms are completely hands-free. You don’t need to touch anything. The door is open, so you don’t need to use a door handle. You don’t need to touch something to flush, to turn the faucet on, to get soap, or to turn on the hand drier or get some paper towels from the dispenser. All that shit is done electronically now. BTW, are toilets like that plugged into AC power or some shit? Or do they have batteries?
Anyway, this means that the only thing you need to touch is your zipper, underwear fly, and junk. Look, I get the whole social stigma against touching penises, but I guarantee that my junk is cleaner than most things people touch on a regular basis. I don’t go around picking up pens and staplers and opening doors with my penis. I use my hands for that. I tried using my boner to hit the space key a few times but it just isn’t that dexterous. I still use my hands for the mouse and keyboard. So my hands, which touch dozens of things every day, are dirtier than my penis, which just stays in my pants all day. So by touching it when I pee, the dirt on my hands gets onto my junk, not the other way around. If anything, I should wash my hands BEFORE I pee so I won’t get my junk dirty when my hands touch it. Unless I get piss all over my hands when I pee, or I have to touch something in the restroom, I’m not washing. Period. Shitting however always requires washing just in case.
So if you catch someone not washing their hands, do you tell your coworkers? I wouldn’t, since I totally don’t always wash my hands. But if he doesn’t wash his hands after a shit, stay the fuck away from him. Might as well be swapping saliva with an HIV carrier.
Interesting factoid: I saw on the History Channel that the inventor of the toilet was Thomas Crapper, which is where we get the word crap. Hilarious name. Thomas Crapper.