We aren’t even one week into 2014 and Florida State residents have already began ringing in the new year with behavior that can only be found in the sunshine state. These news stories are the epitome of “what the fuck?!?!”. I have decided that even though I live in New York….I might start posting a weekly round up of Florida news stories. I mean New York has it’s stories….but you can only read so many stories about shootings and robberies before you just lose faith in humanity. But Florida, you keep it fresh. A banana assault, a dog banging pizza man caught on hidden camera, and a mystery severed foot on a beach? Keep it up…..whatever “it” is.
Story #1: I’m the Guy that Assaulted my Woman with a Banana
A Florida man was arrested after authorities say he attacked his girlfriend with a banana.
Phillip Joseph Smolinsky, 36, was arrested Wednesday on charges of domestic battery and resisting arrest without violence related to the fruit fight, according to the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office.
He was being held without bond Thursday, jail records showed. It was unknown whether he has an attorney.
When deputies responded to Smolinsky’s Port Richey home, his live-in girlfriend told them he had thrown a banana at her, WFLA reported. Smolinsky denied the accusation and said she had thrown the banana at him.
First off….you can get arrested for that?!?! If that is the case, my wife and I have broken a few laws during our occasional domestic spats. “Throwing the banana around with your girlfriend” sounds like something you should enjoy doing….not end up in lock up for. I mean who calls the cops for something like that??….and how does the 911 operator not tell you to fuck off?? Like….
Caller: “help my boyfriend threw a banana at my face!!!”
Operator: “Well….were you being a raging bitch?”
Caller: “NO!…he just threw a banana completely unsolicited.”
Operator: “Yea….sounds legit (sarcasm). Why don’t you fuck off? We have real emergencies to deal with and you are asking me to use police forces to handle a flying banana?!? I have an idea, why don’t you quit bitching about some nonsensical bullshit and make him a sandwich. That will most likely solve your flying banana problem.”
Story #2: Pizza Delivery Guy Gets Caught Fucking Dog on Hidden Camera
After he was caught on camera having sex with a German Shepherd mix, Palm Bay police say they arrested a man on animal cruelty charges. One official said he could be banned from living with pets in the future.
Last Friday, Palm Bay police arrested 22-year-old Joshua Lee Werbicki at a Papa John’s restaurant on Minton Road where he worked, accusing him of repeatedly having sex with the dog, according to police documents. The dog is described as a “family pet” and police say Werbicki lives at the same home where the crime occurred.
Is it just me or does this guy’s mugshot scream “I bang dogs”? I mean that mustache alone expresses that at the VERY least he is interested in touching girls under the age of 10. The beady eyes and the “my dad is my uncle” haircut are also a dead giveaway that this dude is up to no good.
The roommate claims that the dog wasn’t acting normal and that is why they set up the hidden camera which caught this sicko in the act. BUT….I will once again pose the question I have brought up while covering other bestiality stories…..How many German shepherds would LET you fuck them?….if they didn’t kinda like it?? I mean…come on…if that dog doesn’t want this winner of the “Creepy Stare Olympics” to bang it….I am pretty sure we would only be looking at half of his “hide yo wife, hide yo kids” mean mug. So doesn’t that almost count as consensual? (I am saying all of this to be funny….but let’s be serious….there is probably already a group of hicks in Florida lobbying to change bestiality laws using the same argument as their platform….oh Florida….)
Story #3: Severed Foot Found on Beach
Authorities are investigating after a shoe containing a human foot was found on a South Florida beach Wednesday.
The foot was found by a beachgoer at Peck Lake Beach near the north end of Jupiter Island around noon, according to the Martin County Sheriff’s Office.
That must have been a really shitty morning walk. Go out for a nice stroll on the beach and stumble across a severed foot….still in the shoe. I definitely would not have handled it the way that this person did. It isn’t everyday you find a severed foot just lying around. I mean…I would have looked around to see if anyone was bleeding out and needed medical assistance….but after that…..it would be time to become the champion of pranks.
That friend who thought it would be funny to hack my Facebook and change my profile pic to a hairy dude in a thong is about to learn the true meaning of “revenge”. I would be smuggling that bad boy into my friend’s fridge in a heartbeat. Good luck trying to beat that one.