A man has been arrested after he allegedly smeared feces across his girlfriend’s back during a drunken argument at their home.
Jacob Elliott Kuhn, 32, was arrested at the couple’s home in Brooksville, Florida on Saturday night after his girlfriend called police to report the revolting crime.
Ladies and gentlemen….can we have a round of applause for Florida? I mean in all seriousness there isn’t a state that holds a candle to Florida’s level of downright vile stupidity. This is one of the more laughable crimes that I have heard of down there….but it is still straight up nasty. This story should be called “1 girlfriend 1 boyfriend” (a la 2 girls 1 cup).
So this dude smeared his own feces on his girlfriend during an argument. I have too many questions that need answers. Did he shit into his hand during the fight and smear it (like a zoo monkey)? Did the fight start while he was trying to take a shit on the toilet?? Did he have a bag of shit readily available for a shituation just like this one?? Has he ever given his girlfriend a “Cleveland Steamer” or “hot lunch” prior to the incident at hand?? I might not be able to sleep tonight without knowing these things.
Now… anyone that has ever been in a relationship (with a woman) knows…. that during an argument with your girlfriend/wife…you aren’t gonna win. You may be making complete sense. You may have facts supported by more facts. You may have photographic proof, video proof, and documentation. You may even have witnesses willing to testify under oath……you still ain’t gonna win, bro. This will wear on a man over time. I have been in a few arguments through the years where I didn’t know what else to do. I had no other tricks up my sleeve. I was spent and my soul was drained to the point of exhaustion. The worst part is….when you try to leave the room during an argument….usually a woman will follow you with their jaw flapping and nonsensical bullshit spewing from their pie hole. What else can you do at that point? Your frustration builds…..you see red….you don’t want to punch her….so….you shit in your hand and smack her with it….right??
Fuckin Florida. Class act.