NFL Football is over. I feel a void in myself that I get this time every year. I know there is basketball and hockey on TV….and baseball is right around the corner…..but football is my favorite sport by far….and the other things seem like simple distractions compared to the real thing.
I feel the only thing you can compare the end of the NFL season to is relationship sex. When you are in a relationship you get used to getting your fuck on a few times a week. Same thing with the NFL: Sunday…..Monday…..and Thursday. You get accustomed to a certain way of life in both situations. When you are in a relationship you know you are going to get the sex. You are used to it’s consistency (if you aren’t getting consistent sex then you are with the wrong person). In a relationship….if there is a chance for sex…you plan around it. You don’t go to the bar with your buddies if your lady is droppin hints that will eventually lead to dropping panties….you just don’t. When you also are a true football fan you make plans based on which games are on and where you are going to be watching them. “You want to see a movie on Thursday night??”….”Nope, sorry….Niners are playing the Seahawks…..can’t miss a potentially good game.”
Now….you can see a movie any day of the week without missing any action. There is no Sunday Funday with your friends (if there is you are just an alcoholic and should seek counseling). There is no straining to stay awake to watch the end of a close game on Sunday Night Football after drinking beers and eating wings for 8 hours. There is just a long road ahead on what seems like an endless journey…..the next season isn’t even on the horizon. This is the feeling you get about sex when you end a relationship. You try to fill the void with classless whores at your local watering hole….but it just isn’t the same. The relationship sex has a level of comfort that cannot be reached with a one night skank. You already know your significant other’s limits. You know when to slap her ass, you know when to pull her hair, and….you know when you are allowed to throw a digit in her butt. You can try these things with a random from the bar….but it could back fire. You could get slapped in the face. OR… if she just lets you do it all….then you just feel dirty. No chick should let you do all those things on the first night…..Jeez….have some restraint and a little class.
So here I sit feeling like I have just had a significant other leave me. The worst part is here comes the free agency pick ups, trades, and 2013 draft. That is the equivalent of a lap dance after a fresh break up. You get your dick all ready for sexy time….but then you are left with no true action. There is no one at home to have sex with…. besides yourself. It gives you a false sense of involvement with a vagina…..just as free agency, trades, and the draft give you a false sense of encountering good old professional American football. Your “football dick” is hard….but it will not receive actual pro football action for another 6 months.
Now, when the season starts to show a glimmer of return….you have to endure the bullshit that is the preseason. There isn’t a more painful feeling than watching your team’s starters jog out onto the field for a whopping 11 minutes of playing time. Once again your “football dick” is getting lap danced. There is no true gratification coming (see what I did there?). You either turn off the game or watch the 15th string running back try to figure out what audible the 12th string quarterback just called, only to run into each other in the backfield causing the 3rd fumble of quarter. This can be compared to what happens when you start a new relationship. You get the girl to your place….you have wined and dined her….then you take it to the bedroom. You commence in a sloppy make out sesh….which leads to heavy petting….and finally you are both playing a rousing game of “I’ll touch your junk….if you touch mine”. Then you hear those earth shattering words that have the same effect as nails on a chalkboard….”slow down….I’m not that kind of girl…..I don’t do this on the first date”. There you have it…..stopped dead in your tracks….with your rock solid dick in your hand. You now have to wait a few more weeks and a few more dates before you get to throwdown in her downtown. If that doesn’t sound like a valid comparison to preseason football I don’t know what does.
So every year….at this time…..a true NFL football fan is beginning their long hard journey of figurative lap dances and cock teases….hoping and praying that the next season comes faster than the previous year….itching to get their “football dick” wet. Here we are….watching…..and waiting…..