Welp, the NFL season is set to kickoff tonight with the Cowboys at the Giants. Shit’s about to go down. I’m gonna rant and rave a bit about what is actually going to happen this year, and you are going to click “continue reading” and read the rest of this post.
The Giants have the hardest schedule in the league, as usual. They have a great QB and WR corps. They are clearly weakest at secondary, but have the best punter in the league again. David Wilson retuns punts and kickoffs this year and scores two, maybe three (tops) special teams touchdowns. Somehow it seems like their schedule is brutal. Of course, being the Super Bowl champs doesn’t help the cause. They play Dallas, Tampa, at Carolina, at Philly, Cleveland, at San Fran, Washington, at Dallas, Pittsburg, at Cincy, bye, New Orleans, at Atlanta, at Baltimore, Philly. At least no Green Bay. Giants go 10-6, winning the division, beating Washington both games and splitting against Dallas and Philly.
The Eagles are vastly overrated. They are flashy but they are not a team. None of them have confidence in their coach, who should have been fired last year. If they miss the playoffs again, consider Reid gone. Eagles go 9-7, just barely missing the playoffs thanks to a loss week 17 against the Giants, splitting against NY, beating Dallas and Washington both games.
The Cowboys are vastly overrated, as usual. Actually, I’m surprised that they aren’t the Super Bowl favorites. An inexperienced coach that may not be able to handle the bright lights of Cowboys Stadium. All you New York assholes who have never even SEEN Texas, yet are somehow Cowboys fans, here it is. Cowboys go 8-8, miss the playoffs, split against NY, lost both games to Philly, win both games against Washington.
The Redskins still suck. I’m sorry, but adding Pierre Garcon and a rookie QB aren’t enough to make me like the team. Redskins go 5-11, swept by Dallas and Philly, but steal a game from the Giants.
I’m gonna call an upset here, just for the fuck of it, because none of the professional “experts” or “analysts” have the sacks to. Packers go 10-6, and win a wild card. Aaron Rogers misses two or three games, the defense gets lit up worse than last year, they have zero ground game. They are not much worse than the Lions, but unfortunately lose both crucial games against Detroit. They split with Chicago, and, embarrassingly, split with Minnesota.
Lions go 11-5, stealing the division from Green Bay. They sweep Green Bay, split with Chicago, sweep Minnesota.
Bears go 8-8, missing the playoffs, splitting with everyone in their division. Cutler misses 4 games and throws 853 interceptions. Devin Hester is rendered ineffective when punters realize that they can just punt out of bounds. Julius Peppers does not have enough to make a difference, neither do Michael Bush and Matt Forte.
Vikings go 4-12, stealing a win against the Bears and even Green Bay, but are swept by Detroit. Not much to see here, move along.
This is still not the year of the Dirty Bird. I never believed in them. A few good players and a just barely over .500 record does not make me think they are a contender. They have little momentum, and Atlanta has long been considered the worst sports city in the nation. People don’t even care about sports their, other than the Bulldogs or maybe Georgia Tech. Falcons go 8-8, missing the playoffs, Mike Smith is fired. Matty Ice has an average year. One of their WRs goes down thanks to concussions, and Michael Turner gets injured twice, missing a game or two each time. The secondary gets torn to pieces by the air shows put on by the Saints and the Panthers. They are swept by the Saints and Panthers, but split with Tampa Bay.
I still believe that the Saints are the best team in the NFC when they are at full strength. However, they won’t be at full strength this year after losing a WR and losing Sean Payton, and most of their defensive mind, which wasn’t anything to brag about anyway. New Orleans goes 10-6, winning the division thanks to a tie-breaking win against the Panthers. They split against the Panthers, sweep Atlanta, and sweep Tampa.
This is the year of the Panthers. I’m gonna put some chips on the dark horse here, and I don’t mean that in a racist way, but Cam Newton will have a stellar year. He isn’t in the top half of the league yet, in my opinion, but this year will be his best year of his career, after which he will probably hold out for more money. They aren’t a very, very talented team all around but football is a game of streaks, and this team will get hot when they need to. Carolina goes 10-6, winning a wild card after losing to New Orleans in the second of their matchups. They win the first matchup, sweep Atlanta, and split against Tampa Bay.
Tampa got a little bit better with the addition of Vincent Jackson. But they still are at the bottom of the division. Tampa Bay goes 6-10, somehow splitting the series with all the other teams in the division, but winning few other games. This is the year everybody loses faith in Josh Freeman, but they have a rookie head coach, so turmoil is to be expected.
The worst division in the NFL. The 49ers aren’t as good as everyone thinks, because they have a bottom-5 QB, and no WRs to speak of, other than Mario Manningham, who will become the defacto WR captain. Vernon Davis is a crybaby pussy bitch. It fucking burns me up when I remember the fact that Vernon Davis set up a party to be held after they defeated the Giants in the NFC Championship game last year after bribing the referees. Then the Giants won. I wonder what happened to that party. I wonder if the Giants crashed it.
The only QBs worse than Alex Smith are the Sanchez/Tebow tandem, Josh Freeman, and whatever new rookies there are (minus RGIII and Luck). However, their defense plays tight, which allows them to win many games. Frank Gore will miss another two or three games this year with tightness in his ankle or some shit. Brandon Jacobs will be a goal-line FB, even though he couldn’t find daylight last year. San Fran goes 11-5, sweeping all the other division teams. They lose in their first playoff game, however, and Vernon Davis retires. They start thinking about drafting another QB after Alex Smith has a terrible year, even though they just reupped his contract. Frank Gore holds out.
Everyone else in the division sucks. Arizona goes 7-9, Seattle improves to 7-9, but St. Louis goes 4-12.
Not much to say here. Same shit as last year. Some experts think the Bills might eclipse the Jets this year but that’s fucking nonsense. The Dolphins will though. New England goes 12-4 despite a few injuries, namely to Wes Welker, who gets franchised at the end of the year. Gronk is too big and doofy and too much of a meathead to even feel pain, he won’t ever get hurt unless somebody puts their helmet to his ankles. He’d play through numerous concussions. Tom Brady has an average year by his standards, even if he is overrated. The ground game somehow improves, as does the secondary. Vince Wilfork retires after the season ends. Pats split with the Jets, sweep the Dolphins and Bills.
The Jets are a fucking zoo, and they are entertaining to bullshit about. They are the only team in the division that did not improve overall since last season. Honestly, if Tebow comes in the game, I’ll be rooting for him. But having one of the worst offenses in the NFL won’t win any games. Name a superstar on the Jets offense. OK, fine. Name a star. Mangold and Santonio, maybe? Santonio is the best offensive player on the Jets, but at this point with all the talent at WR in the league, he’s an average-talent starting WR. There are at least 15 receivers better than him at this point. He had no 100-yard games last season. In fact, I’m looking at the Jets depth chart, and he’s not even listed on it because he’s already faking injuries. The defense is admittedly top-10, but that’s only because of Revis. Without him, the Jets have an average defense. Jets go 6-10, splitting with the Patriots and Bills but get swept by the rising and surprising Dolphins. The Jets have the easiest fucking schedule in the world thanks to the broadcasting companies that invested so much money in Tebow and the Jets zoo, so the NFL gave them a bullshit schedule. The only good teams they play are the Steelers away, and the Texans and Niners at home, besides the Pats of course. Somehow they play the Seahawks, Rams, Cards, Colts, Jaguars, Chargers, and Titans, besides playing the Dolphins and Bill twice.
I’m gonna call one more sleeper this year and say the Dolphins improve. They won’t make the playoffs for fuck’s sake, calm down. But Ryan Tannehill and Matt More are better than Sanchez or Tebow. The defense gets a little better, and Reggie Bush has the best year of his career. Dolphins go 7-9, splitting with the Bills, sweeping the Jets, but are swept by the Pats.
The Bills improved too, but not enough for me to have faith. Bills go 6-10, being swept by the Dolphins and Pats, but steal a win against the Jets.
A pretty tight ass fucking division. Baltimore has a bottom-half offense. Ray Rice can only carry the team so far on his back. I don’t have faith in Joe Flacco. He’s just a stopgap, honestly. He isn’t a franchise QB. But Baltimore has the best defense in the league again, despite missing Suggs a few games. Ladarius Webb claims the title as the league’s second-best DB, only behind Revis. Ravens go 13-3, en route to the best record in the league and a Super Bowl appearance. They split with Pittsburgh but sweep the Browns and Bengals.
Pittsburgh is finally eclipsed by Baltimore, but still win a wild card. Big Ben is exposed this year as an average QB. Rashard Mendenhall comes back and tears it up though, much to my delight because I was fucking dumb enough to draft him in my fantasy league. Steelers go 11-5, splitting with Baltimore and Cleveland, and sweeping Cincy.
Cleveland finally improves a little this year, but not enough to make the playoffs. They split with Pittsburgh and Cincy but are swept by Baltimore. Trent Richardson has such a good year that next season he is a first-rounder in the fantasy league. Cleveland goes 7-9.
Cincy swaps with Cleveland and heads to the bottom of the division. Bengals go 6-10, where they are swept by Pittsburgh and Baltimore, but split with the Browns.
The Houston Texans are very very good this year. Everybody stays healthy for most of the year. Andre Johnson is the second-best WR in the league after Megatron. Arian Foster wins the MVP after rushing for 1,700 yards and receiving over 400. He scores 25 total touchdowns and is the best fantasy player. He rarely fumbles. The defense steps up big-time and leads the AFC in sacks and turnovers. Houston goes 13-3, sweeping everyone in the division.
Indy improves after last season’s debacle, but not enough to make the playoffs. Colts go 6-10, missing the playoffs. But it’s clear at Andrew Luck is the real deal. He takes a million sacks this year as the league’s pass rushers have a field day, but he lasts. In three seasons, he is top 5. Indy sweeps Tennessee, splits with Jacksonville, and is swept by Houston.
The Jaguars have a slightly above average season by their standards, and eventually will relocate to LA. We all know it’s going to happen. Blackmon shines, MJD demands a trade but doesn’t get one because nobody wants him for what the Jags are asking for. Eventually he is traded at the end of the year for a second round pick. Jacksonville goes 6-10, missing the playoffs. They split with everyone in the division except are swept by Houston.
Tennessee improves too. Somehow they squeak into the playoffs despite not playing well within the division. The QB situation is never resolved, however, and that is the reason that they lose in the first round. Chris Johnson improves and stays healthy. They make a trade mid-season for a veteran but capable TE, possibly getting Tony Gonzalez from the Falcons when Atlanta realizes that the season is a wash and they can get a third rounder and a fourth rounder for Gonzalez, who retires after the season ends. The defense becomes very good this year, and so is the special teams. They never miss a field goal. Titans go 9-7, are swept by Houston and Indy, but split with Jacksonville.
This division is weird. Nobody really stands out, but they all are competitive, and they all are trying to improve. Denver and San Diego appear to be equal. Peyton Manning has one of the better years that a QB has had in Denver in a long time, but not a very good year by his standards. His TD/INT ration is almost even. He throws for 3,100 yards. Denver’s defense steps up and becomes top 5 in the league. Elvis Dumerville has an insane season, sacking every QB he faces at least once. Denver goes 9-7, winning the division thanks to a better head-to-head against San Diego. They split with everyone else in the division.
San Diego has an above .500 season but everything else goes wrong. They collapse. Phillip Rivers throws a billion picks, Norv Turner is finally fired and next year goes on the become the third offensive coordinator for the Jets in as many seasons. San Diego goes 9-7, but misses the playoffs because they lose the head-to-head to Denver. They split with Oakland and Kansas City.
This will be the beginning of significant improvements for Oakland. Carson Palmer isn’t a big success, and he won’t ever be a Super Bowl QB, but the team around him is improving. They will miss the playoffs again, but will improve dramatically, and will be even better next year. Raiders go 8-8, splitting with Denver and San Diego but sweeping Kansas City.
The Chiefs are the most forgotten team in the NFL. Whenever I do the Sporcle quiz, I always forget them. They only barely improved, but they improved nonetheless. Kansas City goes 6-10, splitting with everyone except they are swept by Oakland.
NFC Seeds, in order: San Fran, Detroit, Giants, New Orlenas, Green Bay, Carolina. Giants beat Carolina, Saints beat Packers. Saints get revenge on San Fran this season and destroy them when San Fran’s defense has a rare bad game. The Giants beat Detroit in an incredibly anxious game. The Saints beat the Giants in the NFC Championship game. I said it every season for the last three seasons. The Saints are the ONLY team in the NFL that the Giants can’t beat. The Giants just don’t match up well against them somehow. The Saints beat the Giants 10 times out of 10.
AFC Seeds, in order: Baltimore, Houston, New England, Denver, Pittsburgh, Tennessee. New England easily defeats Tennessee. Pittsburgh’s defense gets the better of Peyton Manning and beats Denver by a field goal. Baltimore beats Pittsburgh in a nail-biter just like the last few seasons. New England is too much for Houston, beating them by at least a touchdown. The AFC championship is a rematch of last year’s, except this time the refs don’t fuck up on the field goal, and the Ravens make it to the Super Bowl.
The Ravens defense is too much for the Saints offense, which is tired after being tackled all season.
There you have it.