Alwaleed, a Saudi billionaire and chairman of investment services company Kingdom Holding, didn’t even crack the top 20 on Forbes’ list. He’s listed as the 26th richest person, sandwiched between David Thomson, chairman of Canadian media company Thomson Reuters (TRI), and activist investor Carl Icahn of New York.
I hope to be this rich some day. Where I can be insulted when someone values my net worth at a “paltry” $20 billion. I want to be so rich that I can pay people to scratch my mosquito bites. I want to be so rich that whenever I get a parking ticket, I can just buy a new car. I want to be so rich that I can walk into a Starbucks, buy it, then burn it down and build a Dunkin Donuts in its place. I want to rent out a shopping mall for a day and play paintball in it. Drive around on go carts and shit in it with paintball guns.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll stay modest and pay taxes and do other things that Democrats think I should do. But I’m going to hire the world’s best tax accountant and pay as little as fucking possible in taxes. When I see something I think is worth funding, I’ll throw money at it. You know what I’d do? I’d establish a scholarship for Americans only, because there are a ton of like Korean and Saudi and Vietnamese scholarships for foreigners to go to American schools but what we need is to keep Americans educated. And you have to be physically fit as well as mentally fit for the scholarship. No fat kids. Also, as a separate program, if you get a doctor to sign off that you’re a healthy weight, and have healthy cholesterol levels and shit, I give you a gift card. I’d sponsor a shit-ton of Little League teams. I’d buy a ton of ice cream trucks and send them to every school in America and if you’re skinny and you have good grades you get a free ice cream cone.