I’m from Pittsburgh. And setting aside the fact that my team didn’t even make the playoffs this year, which, some folks around here will tell you is a constitutionally guaranteed right, a real nightmare scenario is starting to take shape. There’s only one team left in the hunt that we’ll be able to feel comfortable with holding the Lombardi, and it’s also the only team left that doesn’t really have a snowball’s chance in hell.
The Atlanta Falcons are facing the San Fran Niners for the right to go to the Super Bowl in the NFC. I’m not like most people – I actually kinda like Jim Harbaugh. He seems to have a real emotional investment in what he’s doing. I just don’t see the whiny, entitled douchebag that everyone else does (his brother, on the other hand, is a different story. He’s very much a whiny, entitled douchebag). But I don’t want him to win. Oh, his team is going to absolutely fucking destroy the Falcons, but I can’t see the Niners eventually hoist the Lombardi because that will give San Fran 6 titles and, in case you haven’t heard, the Pittsburgh Steelers are supposed to have more Super Bowl wins than anybody else. It’s written right there in the NFL’s bylaws. So I need Atlanta to win next week to take that scenario off the table.
Then there’s the AFC. Fuck. Goddammit. I’m not happy. The two most reviled, disgusting, hated teams are in the AFC Championship game. Traditionally it’s been the Cleveland Browns who have been Pittsburgh’s most hated rival, but they haven’t been relevant since before they wised up, realized they were playing in Cleveland, and high-tailed it to Baltimore. So now we have the Ravens & Patriots duking it out for the trip to the big game. The Raisins & the Cheaters. Murderin’ Ray vs. The Pussy Golden Boy & his cheatin’ daddy. If the Pats win the Super Bowl, then Brady and Belichick will be only the second coach/quarterback duo to win 4, after the Emperor Chuck Noll and the Blonde Bomber Terry Bradshaw. This can’t happen. Again, it’s in the bylaws that Pittsburgh holds this record. They’ve already had two different chances to get that fourth one, and the Giants rode to our rescue both times, but eventually our luck is gonna run out. And the Ravens winning? I don’t think I can stomach the sight of Ray Ray standing on the stage, tears streaming down his face, holding the Lombardi and heading off into the sunset. He doesn’t deserve that. He’s a piece of shit.
So here’s what I’m hoping for: Falcons vs. Ravens in the Super Bowl, with the Falcons coming out on top. Probably never happen though. It’ll be Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh, and we’ll have to listen to that bullshit for two weeks. Or Brady vs. whoever, and we’ll have to listen to THAT bullshit for two weeks. Either way, I know I’m gonna end up being one pissed off dude at the end of it.
-Mike The New Guy